this economy ...

is fucked.

I never thought I'd have to move back home to help my mother get by.
she doesn't expect me to.
no one does really.
I'm too young, I shouldn't have to do this, it's not MY job to provide for my family.

if I won't help her.... who will?
I'm not about to abandon my mom.
not about to watch her have to struggle through this alone.
I've grown up a lot since i've moved to the city. i have so much unfinished business to do and so much MORE i can learn from this place. but i'll just have to come back later.
now is not the time.

everything happens for a reason.



I'm going to miss it here.
move number 5 in 2008.
move number 6 in entire LIFE. hahahah

stay golden...

to put it bluntly....
i slept with my high school crush.
took his V card.

now that he's gone... i still don't know who was affected by this more.

on the one hand, it seemed meaningless and just something fun that we as friends (who just so happen to be attracted to one another) would do.
but on the other hand, it wasn't meaningless.

you're right, you're not a cheat. not anywhere near it.
we both said it, we don't regret it but we don't want a relationship.
not that I wouldn't enjoy that.
our souls just don't "gravitate" towards each other.
hahaha.
and silly as that sounds it's the best way to describe it.

i meant every word i spoke to you this week. and i know you can't lie.

thank you for the inspiration
thank you for the encouragement.
and thank you for the amazing sex.

I am not

ok.

I love my life.
very much so.
but i'm not happy. and i haven't been in a really long time.
I'm useless and a waste of air.
i would like to insert a bit of positivity here, you know. say something like "i don't really mean that."
but i do.
and no motivational "get off your ass" tough love speech is going to help.
i'll be over this tomorrow morning and be back to my usual positive self.


people who are always negative are annoying.

i wanna go home.

Bringing this one back... to be lame haha

and again.
This should come with a warning. !!! may cause drama !!!


Ten Anonymous Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:

1. Read my blogs, my journals, and my thoughts, you'll still never know how much you hurt me. but i still love you. - all i'm waiting for is for you to apologize
2. I hate you. (hopefully i won't by the time you're old enough to understand what i mean by that.) - it's getting easier, but i'm still not there yet.
3. stop half assing shit and work towards something. you're not going to be passionate about something till you start working towards it. it's not going to show up in your life one day and open your eyes to what you've been looking for. you probably already found it.... dumbass
4. You are amazing. I know you always say so, but you actually are. no need to prove it to any one. we all already know.
5. there's this song... by kelly clarkson... hahaha. (i shouldn't admit to this). but everything in the song is what i want to say to you. (and, no it's not "since you've been gone!") - i feel like i've failed at what i was working so hard on. i put a lot on myself and now i feel like it was pointless.
6. You're such an amazing friend and as little time we spend together, I agree with brie, you'll be in my life forever and i'm happy you will be :)
7. There is so much i want to say to you but i don't think i'd be able to put it all in comprehensive sentences. I've put you through hell. and I'm so sorry. I love you terribly and i just didn't believe you when you said you cared too. i see now how silly it was for me not to believe you. I could blame my lack of trusting people on my family situation, but fucking things up with you is the only thing i can honestly say i regret. I just consider myself lucky to still be friends with you. I still think of you constantly.
8. You've hurt me so bad. I hate the influence you've had on my personality. but i have this handy cap that makes me still care about you. I've already forgiven you, but you're not sorry. and i do honestly still hold you in my heart. no matter what else i say, i care.
9. I still haven't figured you out.
10. there is more to this world than drugs and alcohol. ... and shoes. You have so much passion and so much potential. I can't let you lose that. don't beat yourself up too much anymore. I'm sorry i wasn't there for you in your hardest times. but i'm here now. and there will be harder times to come. I love you!

Nine Things About Yourself:

1. I'm confused
2. i love God
3. i want to be outside more
4. i don't get along with "girly-girls"
5. I love to sew, but don't know what to do with it
6. I'm the happy-go-lucky bitch
7. family comes first.
8. im in the longest transition mode of my life.
9. I'm so ecclectic sometimes i feel hypocritical when it comes to things i like.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:

1. be spontaneous
2. don't give up on me, i'm not gunna trust you right away.
3. be kinda a jerk... but care about things that matter.
4. love God.
5. try new things and get me to try new things too.
6. talk to me about anything and everything (aspecially things you can't talk to other people about)
7. dont smother, aspecially in public.
8. show me what you're proud of (and be proud of yourself), and be proud of what i show you.

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A lot:

1. friends
2. life
3. life
4. family
5. what i'm doing with my life
6. my not smoothness when it comes to the opposite sex. haha
7. specific friends

Six Things You Wish You Never Did:

1. took money out of my savings account. it's back now... but money is the root of all evil
2. waited too long to say things (happens often)
3. didn't try somethings cuz i was too chicken
4. put so much pressure on myself growing up
5. ten min. late
6. like i said earlier. fucked things up with a friendship, and I'm not particularly talking about one moment in time.

Five Turn Offs:

1. arrogance
2. boogers
3. lackluster personality
4. easily offended
5. lazyness

Four Turn Ons:

1. big noses.
2. Good family values
3. Great personality(humor fits in this one i think... and i can't rule that out)
4. punks/rockabilly's/tattoo's/piercings (i don't care if you think that's cheating)

Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:
:X
:D
:S
(i honestly don't even know what any of those mean... i kinda just picked the goofiest one's possible... they def. DON'T describe my life)

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:

1. love w/out holding back
2. tell my grandkids a story about "back in my day"

One Confession:

1. I hit on a married man once. but in my defense, he wasn't wearing a ring.

just wanted to mark this day....

as the day you said "everything comes full circle."

because i have this strange feeling it will.


in which case.... this bad patch of time, will pay off.
and I'll be happy :)

i hope this move

assists in me becoming the person i've always wanted to be.

i still feel irresponsible being here.
that's probably because i haven't started working yet.


i just don't want to hurt people i care about anymore.

i don't want to regret things












i just want to be loved.... and allow myself to love back.

how did i do it?

i tried to be smart.
i tried to make the best decision.

but here i am.
dealing with the worst mistake ever.
reflecting back on a lot of things i've done in my life....
and feeling like it's all been ...
just one bad mistake after another

it's like everything i touch turns to dust....

hahahahaha.

this has ruined me.
I'd like myself back thank you.












I'M the positive one. I'M the happy-go-lucky one.
so why am I finding it so difficult to see the good in all this.





I'm never like this.




this isn't me




can't we just go back to how it used to be?
no.... i don't really want to go back.
i want to go forward.












FUCKING GO!!!!!!

I hate myself sometimes

I just had a huge fucking blog written out.

and when I got to the end I started to reread it and I was like....
what. the. fuck.

so I erased it.
and remembered, that the definition of insanity, according to albert einstien, is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
that guy had it right.

time to try something new.

like you've been saying all along.

SCARY!

so, i was about to post this in a bulletin.... but then i reread the last sentence and was like... nope. this is goin in the blog.
there are only 2 people i'd really want to read it.
and posting it here ensures that half of them will.
and the rest of the [myspace] world will not.

not that it's all that important.
but. chu know.
it's just ramblings.

subject: what the no sleep?!

body: i guess there's just so much spinning around in my head.
you shouldn't think... it's a scary thing. hahaha

gee wiz though. thinking about things when you're tired really is the worst thing you can do.
you can't do anything about it, till you get up tomorrow.
your mind isn't working normally, so you come up with the CRAZIEST shit.
and with my terrible memory whatever productive things i come up with, i forget by the morning.
and this bulletin. i'll read it tomorrow and be like... uh wtf nicole... why'd you post that as a bulletin?!1

well if it takes shit to make bliss

then i feel pretty blissfully.




oooooooh what a waste of my TIME
damnit.


not a COMPLETE waste. but REALLY?!

fuckin really?








yup. i guess so.












------------ edited later----------

Welp. after talking to you i feel really good.
like.
REALLY good.
hahahahahha I'm excited.

i always thought those modest mouse lyrics were great because it was an interesting way to say i feel shitty.
but hahaha. now i mean it quite literally.
i feel pretty blissfully.

I always knew this was temporary. But wow.
i'm SO excited.

this is not going to be easy. but GOD it's going to be worth it.
i mean. what's better than a summer in LA?
a summer in NY that's what.
hahahaha

but i've never been so excited to spend time here since i've moved here.
I'm so glad to be here.
and when xtina comes back it'll be even better.
I love it here.
I love where I'm going.

it's well with my soul.
for myself.

hahaha









*side note - through this entire blog i've been thinking about those modest mouse lyrics (cuz it's playing right now {"The View"}) and every time i typed out laughing (hahaha) i hear myself laughing like how the singer laughs in the song "The Devil's Workday" HAHAHA.

what the FUCK

is your problem...

hmmm?
HMMMMM?!
you wanna quit being an asshole
and actually be a friend?!
yeah.
thanks.

oh, it bothers you that i kissed another dude? then fuckin SAY so. and if/when you do, i'll punch you in the fucking FACE cuz you've got NO room. HOW many girls have you been with since we started talking? HMMMM?!
so don't play it off like you don't give a shit. i see right fucking THROUGH you!'

really though. what the fuck do i know. you could honestly not give a shit.
maybe that's why i kissed him. to see how you'd react.
...
maybe you would have reacted the way i wanted if you didn't have your damn friends over.











--------------Edited later------------
soooo, after i wrote this in a fury, i got your message. haha.
who's a jerk?
nicole is.
who's a jerk?
.... I am.

hahahaha.

preperation

is a bitch.

knowing i want to be somewhere and working towards it is not fun.
i'm still in transition mode.
damnit.

but at least i'm working towards something now.
where as before i was just taking up space.

our generation is going to see some hard fuckin times.
and i think that's what scares me most.
but what the fuck ever.

Lets do it to it!

DO. IT.
TO. IT!!!!



thanks for helping me along. really. i couldn't have done it without you.

sex

I'm sick of not having it.
but i still really don't just want to sleep with anybody.

i sometimes feel like a freak for still being a virgin.
complete and utter freak.

it's not like i don't want it.
but people have always told me "if you really wanted it, you'd get it."

thanks for the encouraging words. i feel much better now.

like really? is there something wrong with me?
am i just asexual to everyone?
man...... i've got issues.

i hate not knowing

what's in your head.

i wish i could just tap into your thoughts and just know how you feel.



please don't come to resent me because i left.
i left roseville. not you.

don't find anyone else.
i just know we'll be in the same place again soon.
i just know it.

listening to "pictures of you" again

how did tonight go from crazy awesome fun to shitty in 2 seconds flat.

Seriously...
i'm looking at pictures from Jr. high, 6th grade, Highschool.

and usually that sort of activity brings back good memories...
not tonight.
just about every depressing even in my life came back to me looking at these pictures.
even the ones from 6th grade....
most people were havin the time of their lives. livin it up while they were young...
being kids still in there last fleeting moments before the horrors of jr. high.

but no. 6th grade was one of the worst years of my life.
at least i could pretend like i had friends back then. hahaha.

and looking back at Jr. high... what happened there that i'm still ok now?
like... i should be in rehab with my first baby right now with the kinda shitty situations i put myself in... how did i manage to get all the way through highschool without even trying some of this shit.

and then there's high school. met some of the coolest people ever in those years.
did some of the coolest things ever.
and now what do i have to show for it?
hahaha.

those things seemed so important at the time.
and now... it doesn't even matter?

i need to go to sleep before i make myself depressed.

woo woo.... NY is going to be so fun!

i can't fuckin wait to move!!!!

Listening to "Pictures of you" by The Cure

meh.

so, again we talked about how i need to say things when i think them... not ten min. later.
or three hours later.
or days
or weeks
or months later.

sometimes i feel like i've missed out on alot of great opportunities because of this...


and tonight, i feel like i missed out on a good opportunity to have a great conversation with you.

sorry... but hopefully we'll have time on the plane?


that's not the only opportunity i feel like i've missed out on.
but it's one of the most recent that comes to mind.

simmer down now.

alright.
I had some time to think.

I had a chance to step back and look at what i'm doing and why.

I've made a trip down there.
I'll LOVE living there.
i WANT this adventure.

i WANT So Cal.

but not forever.
at least i don't think so.

i just remember driving into that city and being like.... huh. this'll be home soon.

and it felt right.

like. this is going to happen.
I'm gunna love it.
and it's going to be amazing.
not easy.
not comfortable.

but it's what i want.
it's what I want.

and i'm excited again.

This is for real. Lets do this.

please be excited for me.
I need you to be.

I'm not used to having people care about me this much

I'm used to meeting large numbers of new people multiple times a week.

I'm not used to people knowing me so well.

it freaks me out that you can read me.
it scares me that you know what I'm going through.
I can't stand that you notice when I'm acting different.

But what freaks me out the most is that you're not letting me get away with it.
you're not just sitting back and letting shit happen.

that's what they all have done before.

I'm speechless.

you took every thought in my head and said it right back to me.


now i just fear i made the wrong choice.


no. LA is what i want.
i
fuasckcuckfuckfuckfuckfcuk

DAMNIT!!! i don't want to go to fucking pasadena.
i don't want another fucking roseville.
i don't give a shit about LA.

but i don't want NY either.



no.
i don't want to be here again.

fuck this shit.
FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!

i hate this place.
this location
this set of mind.

all this shit.


perfect.
i'm back where i started.


i don't know what the fuck i want.





and now i'm hurting the people i care about most.

i'm sorry.

i don't know what to think.





whatthefuckisthis?!!!!!!!!