it's kind of funny how I already feel at home in a place i've only actually "lived" in for less than 2 weeks. when for 2 years i lived by myself in the same apartment, and it doesnt feel any different.
I suppose thats because my heart is neither here or there.
i'm lacking heart these days. i'm just going through the motions of day to day life. I want something more, but i'm not actively searching for it.
because i've already checked out of here. In my head, life in nyc is quickly approaching its expiration date. although i have been saying that pretty much since i arrived in this great city...
so now what?
i like where my apartment is.
i (kinda) like my job at the cafe
i like cutting hair... no, i like that i'm GOOD at cutting hair.
i daydream about owning my own business. being a woman that actively contributes to her community.
I want to make art.
I want this scared cynical bitch to burst into a firey fit of passion!
i want to not sleep enough because i'm too excited about what i'm working on.
i want to do so much more than this...
so what's the answer.
whats the solution
i should at least be able to figure out the first step... right??
move back to california.
that's the first step
get the fuck out of here...
and while i'm still here these are the things i must accomplish
1. get cosmotology license
2. finish as many art projects that you've thought up as possible
3. go to Ireland even if its just for a few days.
4. Go to maine.
this is good. i like this. these are all very doable things.
now get off your ass and stay off it until these things are accomplished.
you have stuff to get done. and you're getting too old to be doing this same old run around. dont end up like the rest of your generation.
oh also, you've been talking too much lately... learn how to listen again.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
quotes from patti smith interview
"Well, I can’t say I felt any less eccentric than anybody else. I just think that some people were more attracted to the lifestyle around art. To me, being hungry and messy and being free to live in a mess and not have to worry if I bathed for a week, that was enough. But a lot of these people kept pushing, pushing, pushing—doing drugs, indulging in very intense promiscuity..."
"Did art get us?" "The question for me wasn’t if art got us. The question was, “Do we regret that?” I know art got us, because if art gets you, you never can be normal. You can never enjoy. You can’t go anywhere without trying to transform it, you know? You go into church to pray, and you start writing a story about being in a church praying. You’re always observing what you do. I noticed that when I was young going to parties. I could never lose myself in a party unless I was on the dance floor..."
http://www.interviewmagazine.com/culture/patti-smith-and-robert-mapplethorpe/
"Did art get us?" "The question for me wasn’t if art got us. The question was, “Do we regret that?” I know art got us, because if art gets you, you never can be normal. You can never enjoy. You can’t go anywhere without trying to transform it, you know? You go into church to pray, and you start writing a story about being in a church praying. You’re always observing what you do. I noticed that when I was young going to parties. I could never lose myself in a party unless I was on the dance floor..."
http://www.interviewmagazine.com/culture/patti-smith-and-robert-mapplethorpe/
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Friday, December 11, 2009
it may just be time to grow the fuck up.
http://www.eyeweekly.com/article/55882
i took this from the comment section of my favorite blog. jyllandliz.blogspot.com
i took this from the comment section of my favorite blog. jyllandliz.blogspot.com
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I'm sorry to say, this is a dear diary entry....
nope. you will NOT get my hopes up again.
nope. I will NOT expect anything different from you.
nope. your sugar words will not tempt my sweet tooth.
I will NOT read too much into your kind words and promises....
you might have gotten some of my hopes up though.
I'm pathetic!
I HATE that I'm writing on this subject of YOU!... stupid.
I HATE that I STILL allow you to have any sort of effect on my emotion
I HATE that I am typing this in such a mindset! i hate typing when i'm feeling such strong emotions... that's what journals are for! but I was sitting at my computer when this came over me so why not? It therapeutic to write what sturs your emotions! but that's what a journal is for. this is for diary's.... ones that you hid under your pillow with a secret code so that no one will ever know that it ever had any effect on you. ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou.
i like to write when i am calm and collected.
When I am feeling extream emotions I dont look at every angle of things, I'll write passionately and completely bias. and i dont like that. i like LOOKING for different perspectives, I like being my own devils advocate. I also hate the form I use when i'm "feeling strongly." It's obnoxios how many times I'll repeat a word or statement. I run all overthe place not making good points or using complete thoughts. ramble. stray off topic.
BAH HUMBUG!
nope. I will NOT expect anything different from you.
nope. your sugar words will not tempt my sweet tooth.
I will NOT read too much into your kind words and promises....
you might have gotten some of my hopes up though.
I'm pathetic!
I HATE that I'm writing on this subject of YOU!... stupid.
I HATE that I STILL allow you to have any sort of effect on my emotion
I HATE that I am typing this in such a mindset! i hate typing when i'm feeling such strong emotions... that's what journals are for! but I was sitting at my computer when this came over me so why not? It therapeutic to write what sturs your emotions! but that's what a journal is for. this is for diary's.... ones that you hid under your pillow with a secret code so that no one will ever know that it ever had any effect on you. ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou.
i like to write when i am calm and collected.
When I am feeling extream emotions I dont look at every angle of things, I'll write passionately and completely bias. and i dont like that. i like LOOKING for different perspectives, I like being my own devils advocate. I also hate the form I use when i'm "feeling strongly." It's obnoxios how many times I'll repeat a word or statement. I run all overthe place not making good points or using complete thoughts. ramble. stray off topic.
BAH HUMBUG!
Monday, December 7, 2009
update.
It was very tempting to go back and delete some of those older posts....
very embarrassed, but I supposed I am what I am today, because of the choices I made yesterday...
and why hide that...
right... moving forward.
and I suppose upon moving forward, you should always glance back, so as not to repeat the same mistakes.
A year ago this time, I was not in a good place. I had decided to stay in NYC after my first plan of being here for "just a summer" expanded into, "making it work" a bit longer. Well, making it work turned into a bad situation and I was convinced I was moving back home... but again, somehow, this city called me back... and here I am, in Brooklyn, Working at a cafe in the lower lower east side of Manhattan.
Maybe I should go about this a different way, maybe instead of trying to look at how far i've come in the past year (i've come a very long way, you see, it'll take forever.)
maybe instead I'll just go over topics of interest.
alright, the ever-so-popular subject of love:
I don't know what love is, if it is what everyone describes it as, I give it away so freely to as many people as I can.... but it seems lately that I'm either becoming more particular of who I give it to, or I'm running out of it.
a subtopic: infatuations/chrushes/lusts/boys in general :
my most exciting subject lives on the other side of this country and 1) is just a friend and 2) if he were to turn to me and confess his undying love I would tell him I'm just not ready for a relationship right now. (at least I would hope I'd be strong enough to say so)
Work :
like I said earlier, I work in a Cafe in the lower east side. 2 cafe's technically, they're called Flowers Cafe, they have a kind-of hippy theme to them. My job is so many different things to me all the time that it would be hard to explain it from my point of view in a nutshell... everyday there is an adventure. Many of my stories will come from interactions with customers I have there, and even more stories will come from interactions with my boss Bill.
Bill :
yes, my boss gets his own subject line. He is part of my daily life, he is my boss, he is taking care of my cats until after christmas (he has been for quite some time now), and anytime I have any sort of question about anything in NYC - I ask him (seeing as he was born and raised in brooklyn). Bill is much older than me but somehow we have been able to relate to one another and I am so thankful that we have this friendship.
Friends :
making friends in NYC is not an easy task. I suppose it didn't help that the majority of my life here has been spent with my BFFZ Brie. and when brie and I are together, we are a clique. an amazing, funny, sparkely, bitchy, sexy, lush-ful clique. nevertheless i was able to make a few connections here and there that have eventually been built into friendships that I hope will last for a very long time.
Liz :
among these friendships, Liz is one of the few that I know for CERTAIN will last a very long time. Liz is amazing. She is funny (every range of funny too... the perfect mix from sarcastic whit to just plain silly.), She is intellegent (college certified ;), she is intuitive (MAN is she! she can read people like BOOKS and yet, she'll accept your facades so as not to push uncomfortable buttons), and she is ABSOLUTELY gorgeous (She is the kind of beautiful that can only be described as gorgeous, beautiful would be much too plain of a word. from her long fire hair, to her huge intelecuale yet loving eyes, to her ever-improving woman body that is complemented even more so by her style that can only be described as her own... not so different that it's unrelatable, yet original enough not to be steriotypical) anyway, there is much more to be said about Liz so I shall leave it at that and move on to the next topic of interest...
or better yet, we'll call it a current topic
because my topics will change on a daily basis and that is why I am hoping I'll update this more often, so that I can look back on it and see where i've been. not just who I was crushin on at that time or how many drinks I had or.... shit I've begun to stray off topic... uhhh where were we...uooooo right, current topic
Future :
what does the future hold?
very embarrassed, but I supposed I am what I am today, because of the choices I made yesterday...
and why hide that...
right... moving forward.
and I suppose upon moving forward, you should always glance back, so as not to repeat the same mistakes.
A year ago this time, I was not in a good place. I had decided to stay in NYC after my first plan of being here for "just a summer" expanded into, "making it work" a bit longer. Well, making it work turned into a bad situation and I was convinced I was moving back home... but again, somehow, this city called me back... and here I am, in Brooklyn, Working at a cafe in the lower lower east side of Manhattan.
Maybe I should go about this a different way, maybe instead of trying to look at how far i've come in the past year (i've come a very long way, you see, it'll take forever.)
maybe instead I'll just go over topics of interest.
alright, the ever-so-popular subject of love:
I don't know what love is, if it is what everyone describes it as, I give it away so freely to as many people as I can.... but it seems lately that I'm either becoming more particular of who I give it to, or I'm running out of it.
a subtopic: infatuations/chrushes/lusts/boys in general :
my most exciting subject lives on the other side of this country and 1) is just a friend and 2) if he were to turn to me and confess his undying love I would tell him I'm just not ready for a relationship right now. (at least I would hope I'd be strong enough to say so)
Work :
like I said earlier, I work in a Cafe in the lower east side. 2 cafe's technically, they're called Flowers Cafe, they have a kind-of hippy theme to them. My job is so many different things to me all the time that it would be hard to explain it from my point of view in a nutshell... everyday there is an adventure. Many of my stories will come from interactions with customers I have there, and even more stories will come from interactions with my boss Bill.
Bill :
yes, my boss gets his own subject line. He is part of my daily life, he is my boss, he is taking care of my cats until after christmas (he has been for quite some time now), and anytime I have any sort of question about anything in NYC - I ask him (seeing as he was born and raised in brooklyn). Bill is much older than me but somehow we have been able to relate to one another and I am so thankful that we have this friendship.
Friends :
making friends in NYC is not an easy task. I suppose it didn't help that the majority of my life here has been spent with my BFFZ Brie. and when brie and I are together, we are a clique. an amazing, funny, sparkely, bitchy, sexy, lush-ful clique. nevertheless i was able to make a few connections here and there that have eventually been built into friendships that I hope will last for a very long time.
Liz :
among these friendships, Liz is one of the few that I know for CERTAIN will last a very long time. Liz is amazing. She is funny (every range of funny too... the perfect mix from sarcastic whit to just plain silly.), She is intellegent (college certified ;), she is intuitive (MAN is she! she can read people like BOOKS and yet, she'll accept your facades so as not to push uncomfortable buttons), and she is ABSOLUTELY gorgeous (She is the kind of beautiful that can only be described as gorgeous, beautiful would be much too plain of a word. from her long fire hair, to her huge intelecuale yet loving eyes, to her ever-improving woman body that is complemented even more so by her style that can only be described as her own... not so different that it's unrelatable, yet original enough not to be steriotypical) anyway, there is much more to be said about Liz so I shall leave it at that and move on to the next topic of interest...
or better yet, we'll call it a current topic
because my topics will change on a daily basis and that is why I am hoping I'll update this more often, so that I can look back on it and see where i've been. not just who I was crushin on at that time or how many drinks I had or.... shit I've begun to stray off topic... uhhh where were we...uooooo right, current topic
Future :
what does the future hold?
Sunday, March 15, 2009
reading back on some old blogs
it's funny to see how sure i was about somethings... and i was just so wrong.
so very wrong.
...the accidents have not willed.
so very wrong.
...the accidents have not willed.
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