I just want to be there so bad.
I can't fucking stay here any longer.
GET ME THE FUCK OUT!!!!!
the only things worth staying for are leaving/not interested.
I'm ready to start a new adventure....
I read a bulletin from Gina saying she was about to spend her 5th New Years at the Boardwalk.
5TH!!!
that's fucking pathetic!
I don't want to be that.
stuck.
stagnate.
FUCK THAT SHIT.
loosin hope here.
~Nikka~
Monday, December 31, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
i'm a complete hypocrite
wow....
in a previous blogg titled "This should have come with a warning", i wrote an "anonymos" statement saying "you're becoming exactly what we've all talked about hating..."
and i've been kinda evaluating myself lately and i realized ... I'M becoming exacly what i've always talked about hating.
the extent of my drama in life right now is my hair and my nails.
hahaha. i don't do anything that matters, i don't do anything to challenge myself or make myself a better person. I've got all the time in the world, and i waste every second i can.
yeah, i'm leavin for LA soon... but i should be taking advantage of all this free time to do some great things before i go. When i move i'm going to have zero time between working and going to school and doing homework. plus this'll be my first time living away from home. wow.... I really REALLY need to take advantage of this last month here.
on that note... it's time to go to my waste-of-my-time job.
woop woop.
maybe while i'm wasting time there i can think of something usefull to do when i'm off.
in a previous blogg titled "This should have come with a warning", i wrote an "anonymos" statement saying "you're becoming exactly what we've all talked about hating..."
and i've been kinda evaluating myself lately and i realized ... I'M becoming exacly what i've always talked about hating.
the extent of my drama in life right now is my hair and my nails.
hahaha. i don't do anything that matters, i don't do anything to challenge myself or make myself a better person. I've got all the time in the world, and i waste every second i can.
yeah, i'm leavin for LA soon... but i should be taking advantage of all this free time to do some great things before i go. When i move i'm going to have zero time between working and going to school and doing homework. plus this'll be my first time living away from home. wow.... I really REALLY need to take advantage of this last month here.
on that note... it's time to go to my waste-of-my-time job.
woop woop.
maybe while i'm wasting time there i can think of something usefull to do when i'm off.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
the most selfish act in the world...
is to be a game geek.
seriously though. think about it.
they are so selfish to not conform to ANY of societies "standards"
to sit there at lunch and play magic card games, and wear nerdy shirts, and discuss their latest anime....
most of them look like they don't wash themselves properly (acne and greasy hair)
and for the most part they wear clothes that aren't in anyway pleasing to the eye.
unless you're another nerd.
so anyway, i think it's selfish. they please no one but themselves acting this way.
so whatever. i don't feel bad for any of them being picked on anymore... cuz they're selfish little pricks.
hahaha. where do i come up with this shit?
seriously though. think about it.
they are so selfish to not conform to ANY of societies "standards"
to sit there at lunch and play magic card games, and wear nerdy shirts, and discuss their latest anime....
most of them look like they don't wash themselves properly (acne and greasy hair)
and for the most part they wear clothes that aren't in anyway pleasing to the eye.
unless you're another nerd.
so anyway, i think it's selfish. they please no one but themselves acting this way.
so whatever. i don't feel bad for any of them being picked on anymore... cuz they're selfish little pricks.
hahaha. where do i come up with this shit?
Friday, December 7, 2007
really though...
this is getting hard.
going to the friend zone is always so fucking bittersweet.
no. i don't want to be just friends.
i want something more.
i'm not asking for a permanent relationship.
i mean hell, i'm movin to LA.
but one of these times... it's gotta work a little differently. it's gotta play out in a way that's quite the opposite of how it usually does.
i know i'm lucky to have your friendship.
and i am happy that i'll get to keep you close...
but,
man, i wish it would have been different this time.
you're gunna be a harder one to get over.
going to the friend zone is always so fucking bittersweet.
no. i don't want to be just friends.
i want something more.
i'm not asking for a permanent relationship.
i mean hell, i'm movin to LA.
but one of these times... it's gotta work a little differently. it's gotta play out in a way that's quite the opposite of how it usually does.
i know i'm lucky to have your friendship.
and i am happy that i'll get to keep you close...
but,
man, i wish it would have been different this time.
you're gunna be a harder one to get over.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
this should have come with a warning
Ten Anonymous Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:
1. Read my blogs, my journals, and my thoughts, you'll still never know how much you hurt me. but i still love you.
2. I hate you. (hopefully i won't by the time you're old enough to understand what i mean by that.)
3. I honestly thought at one point we were going to realize we loved eachother enough to get married. i'm glad i realized that our love is platonic.
4. stop it. i know you're trying to push me away. aint gunna work. and i hope you'll say the same thing when you realize i'm trying to push you away too.
5. there's this song... by kelly clarkson... hahaha. (i shouldn't admit to this). but everything in the song is what i want to say to you. (and, no it's not "since you've been gone!")
6. you're becoming exactly the person we've all talked about hating... i care about you... but i really don't like you.
7. you're wierd. like.... REALLY wierd.
8. sometimes i LOVE the influence you've had on my life. i hope we contineu to grow closer and someday i can be as good a friend to you as you've been to me. please don't let me push you away.
9. you're sketchy.
10. if you would have asked one more time.... i would have stayed.
Nine Things About Yourself:
1. i hate my hair this colour
2. i love God
3. i want to be outside more
4. i don't get along with "girly-girls"
5. i'm more into music than is probly healthy for one person
6. I'm the happy-go-lucky bitch
7. family comes first.
8. im still a virgin
9. I'm so ecclectic sometimes i feel hypocritical when it comes to things i like.
Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. be spontanious
2. don't give up on me, i'm not gunna trust you right away.
3. be kinda a jerk... but care about things that matter.
4. love God.
5. try new things and get me to try new things too.
6. talk to me about anything and everything (aspecially things you can't talk to other people about)
7. dont smother, aspecially in public.
8. show me what you're proud of (and be proud of yourself), and be proud of what i show you.
Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A lot:
1. friends
2. moving to LA
3. Boys
4. family
5.moving to LA
6. boys
7. friends
Six Things You Wish You Never Did:
i wish i could say nothing...and i KNOW everything happens for a reason.and i KNOW i should just learn from my mistakes and move on...but there's just ONE thing that's too hard for me to forgive myself for... and only because i lost a really cool friend because of it. i wish i could take that night back. i wish i wouldn't have left with you.... no, i did enjoy going to that house and meeting those people... but i wish we never kissed.
Five Turn Offs:
1. arrogance
2. boogers
3. expecting respect with out giving it
4. easily offended
5. lazyness
Four Turn Ons:
1. big noses.
2. Good family values
3. Great personality(humer fits in this one i think... and i can't rule that out)
4. punks/rockabilly's/tattoo's/piercings (i don't care if you think that's cheating)
Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:
:X
:D
:S
(i honestly don't even know what any of those mean... i kinda just picked the goofiest one's possible... they def. DON'T describe my life)
Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. sky dive
2. tell my grandkids a story about "back in my day"
One Confession:
1. i wish i could force my religion on every one i know. not because i'm right, and you're wrong. not because i think you're a bad person and you should change your ways... no, i'd rather you stayed just the same (that's why i love you)... but because when i'm rejoicing in heaven... i want everyone i care about to be standing right there with me. so i know everyone i care about is happy.
1. Read my blogs, my journals, and my thoughts, you'll still never know how much you hurt me. but i still love you.
2. I hate you. (hopefully i won't by the time you're old enough to understand what i mean by that.)
3. I honestly thought at one point we were going to realize we loved eachother enough to get married. i'm glad i realized that our love is platonic.
4. stop it. i know you're trying to push me away. aint gunna work. and i hope you'll say the same thing when you realize i'm trying to push you away too.
5. there's this song... by kelly clarkson... hahaha. (i shouldn't admit to this). but everything in the song is what i want to say to you. (and, no it's not "since you've been gone!")
6. you're becoming exactly the person we've all talked about hating... i care about you... but i really don't like you.
7. you're wierd. like.... REALLY wierd.
8. sometimes i LOVE the influence you've had on my life. i hope we contineu to grow closer and someday i can be as good a friend to you as you've been to me. please don't let me push you away.
9. you're sketchy.
10. if you would have asked one more time.... i would have stayed.
Nine Things About Yourself:
1. i hate my hair this colour
2. i love God
3. i want to be outside more
4. i don't get along with "girly-girls"
5. i'm more into music than is probly healthy for one person
6. I'm the happy-go-lucky bitch
7. family comes first.
8. im still a virgin
9. I'm so ecclectic sometimes i feel hypocritical when it comes to things i like.
Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. be spontanious
2. don't give up on me, i'm not gunna trust you right away.
3. be kinda a jerk... but care about things that matter.
4. love God.
5. try new things and get me to try new things too.
6. talk to me about anything and everything (aspecially things you can't talk to other people about)
7. dont smother, aspecially in public.
8. show me what you're proud of (and be proud of yourself), and be proud of what i show you.
Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A lot:
1. friends
2. moving to LA
3. Boys
4. family
5.moving to LA
6. boys
7. friends
Six Things You Wish You Never Did:
i wish i could say nothing...and i KNOW everything happens for a reason.and i KNOW i should just learn from my mistakes and move on...but there's just ONE thing that's too hard for me to forgive myself for... and only because i lost a really cool friend because of it. i wish i could take that night back. i wish i wouldn't have left with you.... no, i did enjoy going to that house and meeting those people... but i wish we never kissed.
Five Turn Offs:
1. arrogance
2. boogers
3. expecting respect with out giving it
4. easily offended
5. lazyness
Four Turn Ons:
1. big noses.
2. Good family values
3. Great personality(humer fits in this one i think... and i can't rule that out)
4. punks/rockabilly's/tattoo's/piercings (i don't care if you think that's cheating)
Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:
:X
:D
:S
(i honestly don't even know what any of those mean... i kinda just picked the goofiest one's possible... they def. DON'T describe my life)
Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. sky dive
2. tell my grandkids a story about "back in my day"
One Confession:
1. i wish i could force my religion on every one i know. not because i'm right, and you're wrong. not because i think you're a bad person and you should change your ways... no, i'd rather you stayed just the same (that's why i love you)... but because when i'm rejoicing in heaven... i want everyone i care about to be standing right there with me. so i know everyone i care about is happy.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Not too important
but sometimes when i see people walking down the street...
and they're obviously not in shape...
i wonder what they're doing... and what happened to them just now that is forcing them to walk.
hahaha. really though.
anyway. alot of my friends are having a really hard time in their lives right now.
and my life isn't exactly easy... but it could be worse.
i wanna run away.
and i'm inspired by a friend i know to just run away for a little while, not let anyone know where exactly i'm going and why... and cut myself off from communication.
not for very long.
maybe just for a day.
just... clear my thoughts.
but i don't know how good it'll work... seeing as all these problems will still be there when i return... or maybe they'll be solved, and new ones will have formed.
hmmm now i'm just rambling about nothing.
so, on a different note, I started making Christmas lists for the people i'm gunna give gifts to... this may be harder than i thought... any ideas?
and they're obviously not in shape...
i wonder what they're doing... and what happened to them just now that is forcing them to walk.
hahaha. really though.
anyway. alot of my friends are having a really hard time in their lives right now.
and my life isn't exactly easy... but it could be worse.
i wanna run away.
and i'm inspired by a friend i know to just run away for a little while, not let anyone know where exactly i'm going and why... and cut myself off from communication.
not for very long.
maybe just for a day.
just... clear my thoughts.
but i don't know how good it'll work... seeing as all these problems will still be there when i return... or maybe they'll be solved, and new ones will have formed.
hmmm now i'm just rambling about nothing.
so, on a different note, I started making Christmas lists for the people i'm gunna give gifts to... this may be harder than i thought... any ideas?
Monday, November 26, 2007
My Ringtone
my ringtone inspired these thoughts.
I wonder.
I sometimes wonder...
I often wonder,
what would life be like? what would I be like?
what if...
what if my dad had never done that.
would my parents still be happily married?
Would my dad teach me things like how to fix up cars?
would my mom be happy and never lonely?
would my brother not have had such a hard time making friends in HighSchool?
would i have more inspiration to do amazing pieces of art that my father helps me with?
very hard.
I wonder.
I sometimes wonder...
I often wonder,
what would life be like? what would I be like?
what if...
what if my dad had never done that.
would my parents still be happily married?
Would my dad teach me things like how to fix up cars?
would my mom be happy and never lonely?
would my brother not have had such a hard time making friends in HighSchool?
would i have more inspiration to do amazing pieces of art that my father helps me with?
would we still be living in this house? or would we be worse off?
would i have these same asperations? would i have any at all?
would i have and hold these same morals?
would i have met all the people i know and love?
i think i'd be more trusting of people. He was my superman... but i guess superman has kryptonite. fuck.
The scar tissue that i wish you saw... i wish you could see. i wish wasn't there.
i understand that whatever has come from my parents sepparation is for the best...
but sometimes it's hard to understand.
very hard.
Friday, November 2, 2007
ouch.
Dad. FUCK you for this. I will never be the same, I will always be wierd inside... I will always be lame.
Mom. FUCK you for convincing me he doesn't love me then confuse me by telling me i should care.
God. help.
8 years later... it still hurts.
bad.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Sunday, September 9, 2007
my love for you shall live forever; you however, did not.
So, when i was younger I'd ALWAYS hear older people saying they wish they could go back to being young and having no cares in the world. and when i was younger EVERYone my age would be like, "I can't wait to be older. i can't wait to have a boyfriend and drive a car and be in highschool." So I put 2 and 2 together when i was very young and thought... i don't want to be older right away, i realized i had next to no responsabilities in this world and i lived it up! i appreciated the fact that i didn't have much to worrie about and as much as i looked FORWARD to being older... i took advantage of my young elementry school days. And before my parents got devorced... i KNEW i was lucky to have parents that were still toghether. I let people know how lucky i was, and bragged about how great it is that they're still married. i APPRECIATED the life i had. but almost as SOON as i realized all this and began to appreciate the simple life i had back then.... it was taken from me... i HAD to grow up, cuz real life was thrown upon me.
now don't get me wrong, i wasn't nieve. i took care of the shit i had to take care of. anytime i had something that became MY responsability, then i'd man up and doit. but i relized that i didn't have massive amounts on my plate cuz i was young. so as i've gotten older... i've never thought... oh man, i wish i could go back to being a kid... with not a care in the world... almost NEVER, cuz even though i appreciated the simple life i had back then... I had to grow up too fast.
so going back to being a kid... wouldn't be that great. cuz i'd still take responsability for everything i could. I don't think i've ever been what they call a "free spirit."
and it seems like the more i learn, the more questions i have. and the more i realize that i really don't know anything.
all i know is that i know nothing at all.
so you see... you don't have to "go back" anywhere.... all of life is BELIEVING something... and KNOWING nothing...
even what you THINK you know... could be questioned. what is "fact" but a bunch of repeated "answers." arent there exceptions to every rule? i won't go further into this. other people have done it before me... who are much more " educated" and "experienced" then i am.
~Nikka~
void of all motivation
I'm done.
Lost.
Completely confused.
all that I was once passionate about... doesn't matter.
I can't see purpose in the bigger picture.
I'm striving twards nothing...
I'm losing all hope that if I just keep going... just keep trucking... SOMETHING will happen.
nothing is happening though... that's the problem.
nothing so terrible that I'm struggling with
but also nothing amazing and exciting.
nothing.
I've always lived to serve. Serve God anyway possible...
but... what if my methods arent working?
what if i'm effecting people the wrong way...
i honestly don't care...
i'm done.
I don't understand. i don't care to make new friends.
i don't care to fix/continue old relationships
i don't care to succeed in school.
i don't care to work.
i'm just getting by with what I've got...
and i hate that...
i hate it... but i don't care. ?
i've got the world at my fingertips. i can do whatever the fuck i want to.
but i don't WANT anything.
I don't care enough about anything to fight for it...
God... where'm i supposed to go from here....
i could go anywhere.... but i don't want to go anywhere... i sure as hell don't want to stay HERE though....
I had SO much excitment for this year.... for some odd reason i just felt EXCITED. like... i was STOKED to see what was going to happen...
but nothing....
i got all worked up, only to be dissapointed...
Now i'm living through other peoples lives... i sat by meself for a while tonight and thought about nothing... my mind was completely free of thought...
well, i'd think about things... but they were other peoples "drama"
and i wanted "me" time... so anytime i thought about something that didn't necessarily directly relate to me... i'd stop thinking abou it... and eventually i just stopped thinking...
untill i came up with the thoughts on this blog...
wich is a whole lot of nothing....
I hate it... but i don't care. ?
Lost.
Completely confused.
all that I was once passionate about... doesn't matter.
I can't see purpose in the bigger picture.
I'm striving twards nothing...
I'm losing all hope that if I just keep going... just keep trucking... SOMETHING will happen.
nothing is happening though... that's the problem.
nothing so terrible that I'm struggling with
but also nothing amazing and exciting.
nothing.
I've always lived to serve. Serve God anyway possible...
but... what if my methods arent working?
what if i'm effecting people the wrong way...
i honestly don't care...
i'm done.
I don't understand. i don't care to make new friends.
i don't care to fix/continue old relationships
i don't care to succeed in school.
i don't care to work.
i'm just getting by with what I've got...
and i hate that...
i hate it... but i don't care. ?
i've got the world at my fingertips. i can do whatever the fuck i want to.
but i don't WANT anything.
I don't care enough about anything to fight for it...
God... where'm i supposed to go from here....
i could go anywhere.... but i don't want to go anywhere... i sure as hell don't want to stay HERE though....
I had SO much excitment for this year.... for some odd reason i just felt EXCITED. like... i was STOKED to see what was going to happen...
but nothing....
i got all worked up, only to be dissapointed...
Now i'm living through other peoples lives... i sat by meself for a while tonight and thought about nothing... my mind was completely free of thought...
well, i'd think about things... but they were other peoples "drama"
and i wanted "me" time... so anytime i thought about something that didn't necessarily directly relate to me... i'd stop thinking abou it... and eventually i just stopped thinking...
untill i came up with the thoughts on this blog...
wich is a whole lot of nothing....
I hate it... but i don't care. ?
Monday, July 9, 2007
As different as the two of us are, we compliment eachother very well. I know we'll always be really good friends because we've lasted appart for this long. We're growing in separate directions right now but I think that's just strengthening our bond. We're growing into adults, but keeping our childlike faith. I'd like to think it's because of our friendship that we both remember to believe in "unicorns." And I'd also like to think that because of our friendship we're growing into to absolutely AMAZING women. I owe alot to our friendship. And now I've been inspired by her pink sparkley bathroom, to start this blog.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)