i hate not knowing

what's in your head.

i wish i could just tap into your thoughts and just know how you feel.



please don't come to resent me because i left.
i left roseville. not you.

don't find anyone else.
i just know we'll be in the same place again soon.
i just know it.

listening to "pictures of you" again

how did tonight go from crazy awesome fun to shitty in 2 seconds flat.

Seriously...
i'm looking at pictures from Jr. high, 6th grade, Highschool.

and usually that sort of activity brings back good memories...
not tonight.
just about every depressing even in my life came back to me looking at these pictures.
even the ones from 6th grade....
most people were havin the time of their lives. livin it up while they were young...
being kids still in there last fleeting moments before the horrors of jr. high.

but no. 6th grade was one of the worst years of my life.
at least i could pretend like i had friends back then. hahaha.

and looking back at Jr. high... what happened there that i'm still ok now?
like... i should be in rehab with my first baby right now with the kinda shitty situations i put myself in... how did i manage to get all the way through highschool without even trying some of this shit.

and then there's high school. met some of the coolest people ever in those years.
did some of the coolest things ever.
and now what do i have to show for it?
hahaha.

those things seemed so important at the time.
and now... it doesn't even matter?

i need to go to sleep before i make myself depressed.

woo woo.... NY is going to be so fun!

i can't fuckin wait to move!!!!

Listening to "Pictures of you" by The Cure

meh.

so, again we talked about how i need to say things when i think them... not ten min. later.
or three hours later.
or days
or weeks
or months later.

sometimes i feel like i've missed out on alot of great opportunities because of this...


and tonight, i feel like i missed out on a good opportunity to have a great conversation with you.

sorry... but hopefully we'll have time on the plane?


that's not the only opportunity i feel like i've missed out on.
but it's one of the most recent that comes to mind.

simmer down now.

alright.
I had some time to think.

I had a chance to step back and look at what i'm doing and why.

I've made a trip down there.
I'll LOVE living there.
i WANT this adventure.

i WANT So Cal.

but not forever.
at least i don't think so.

i just remember driving into that city and being like.... huh. this'll be home soon.

and it felt right.

like. this is going to happen.
I'm gunna love it.
and it's going to be amazing.
not easy.
not comfortable.

but it's what i want.
it's what I want.

and i'm excited again.

This is for real. Lets do this.

please be excited for me.
I need you to be.

I'm not used to having people care about me this much

I'm used to meeting large numbers of new people multiple times a week.

I'm not used to people knowing me so well.

it freaks me out that you can read me.
it scares me that you know what I'm going through.
I can't stand that you notice when I'm acting different.

But what freaks me out the most is that you're not letting me get away with it.
you're not just sitting back and letting shit happen.

that's what they all have done before.

I'm speechless.

you took every thought in my head and said it right back to me.


now i just fear i made the wrong choice.


no. LA is what i want.
i
fuasckcuckfuckfuckfuckfcuk

DAMNIT!!! i don't want to go to fucking pasadena.
i don't want another fucking roseville.
i don't give a shit about LA.

but i don't want NY either.



no.
i don't want to be here again.

fuck this shit.
FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!

i hate this place.
this location
this set of mind.

all this shit.


perfect.
i'm back where i started.


i don't know what the fuck i want.





and now i'm hurting the people i care about most.

i'm sorry.

i don't know what to think.





whatthefuckisthis?!!!!!!!!