Goals question mark question mark

well, i'm really bad at setting goals.

my love for you shall live forever; you however, did not.

So, when i was younger I'd ALWAYS hear older people saying they wish they could go back to being young and having no cares in the world. and when i was younger EVERYone my age would be like, "I can't wait to be older. i can't wait to have a boyfriend and drive a car and be in highschool." So I put 2 and 2 together when i was very young and thought... i don't want to be older right away, i realized i had next to no responsabilities in this world and i lived it up! i appreciated the fact that i didn't have much to worrie about and as much as i looked FORWARD to being older... i took advantage of my young elementry school days. And before my parents got devorced... i KNEW i was lucky to have parents that were still toghether. I let people know how lucky i was, and bragged about how great it is that they're still married. i APPRECIATED the life i had. but almost as SOON as i realized all this and began to appreciate the simple life i had back then.... it was taken from me... i HAD to grow up, cuz real life was thrown upon me.

now don't get me wrong, i wasn't nieve. i took care of the shit i had to take care of. anytime i had something that became MY responsability, then i'd man up and doit. but i relized that i didn't have massive amounts on my plate cuz i was young. so as i've gotten older... i've never thought... oh man, i wish i could go back to being a kid... with not a care in the world... almost NEVER, cuz even though i appreciated the simple life i had back then... I had to grow up too fast.

so going back to being a kid... wouldn't be that great. cuz i'd still take responsability for everything i could. I don't think i've ever been what they call a "free spirit."

and it seems like the more i learn, the more questions i have. and the more i realize that i really don't know anything.

all i know is that i know nothing at all.

so you see... you don't have to "go back" anywhere.... all of life is BELIEVING something... and KNOWING nothing...

even what you THINK you know... could be questioned. what is "fact" but a bunch of repeated "answers." arent there exceptions to every rule? i won't go further into this. other people have done it before me... who are much more " educated" and "experienced" then i am.

~Nikka~

void of all motivation

I'm done.

Lost.

Completely confused.

all that I was once passionate about... doesn't matter.
I can't see purpose in the bigger picture.

I'm striving twards nothing...
I'm losing all hope that if I just keep going... just keep trucking... SOMETHING will happen.

nothing is happening though... that's the problem.
nothing so terrible that I'm struggling with
but also nothing amazing and exciting.
nothing.

I've always lived to serve. Serve God anyway possible...
but... what if my methods arent working?
what if i'm effecting people the wrong way...

i honestly don't care...

i'm done.

I don't understand. i don't care to make new friends.
i don't care to fix/continue old relationships
i don't care to succeed in school.
i don't care to work.

i'm just getting by with what I've got...
and i hate that...

i hate it... but i don't care. ?

i've got the world at my fingertips. i can do whatever the fuck i want to.
but i don't WANT anything.
I don't care enough about anything to fight for it...

God... where'm i supposed to go from here....
i could go anywhere.... but i don't want to go anywhere... i sure as hell don't want to stay HERE though....

I had SO much excitment for this year.... for some odd reason i just felt EXCITED. like... i was STOKED to see what was going to happen...
but nothing....
i got all worked up, only to be dissapointed...

Now i'm living through other peoples lives... i sat by meself for a while tonight and thought about nothing... my mind was completely free of thought...
well, i'd think about things... but they were other peoples "drama"
and i wanted "me" time... so anytime i thought about something that didn't necessarily directly relate to me... i'd stop thinking abou it... and eventually i just stopped thinking...

untill i came up with the thoughts on this blog...
wich is a whole lot of nothing....





I hate it... but i don't care. ?