here on "my" bed in "my" room

it's kind of funny how I already feel at home in a place i've only actually "lived" in for less than 2 weeks. when for 2 years i lived by myself in the same apartment, and it doesnt feel any different.

I suppose thats because my heart is neither here or there.

i'm lacking heart these days. i'm just going through the motions of day to day life. I want something more, but i'm not actively searching for it.
because i've already checked out of here. In my head, life in nyc is quickly approaching its expiration date. although i have been saying that pretty much since i arrived in this great city...

so now what?

i like where my apartment is.
i (kinda) like my job at the cafe
i like cutting hair... no, i like that i'm GOOD at cutting hair.

i daydream about owning my own business. being a woman that actively contributes to her community.

I want to make art.

I want this scared cynical bitch to burst into a firey fit of passion!
i want to not sleep enough because i'm too excited about what i'm working on.
i want to do so much more than this...

so what's the answer.

whats the solution

i should at least be able to figure out the first step... right??

move back to california.
that's the first step
get the fuck out of here...

and while i'm still here these are the things i must accomplish
1. get cosmotology license
2. finish as many art projects that you've thought up as possible
3. go to Ireland even if its just for a few days.
4. Go to maine.

this is good. i like this. these are all very doable things.
now get off your ass and stay off it until these things are accomplished.
you have stuff to get done. and you're getting too old to be doing this same old run around. dont end up like the rest of your generation.

oh also, you've been talking too much lately... learn how to listen again.