I hate myself sometimes

I just had a huge fucking blog written out.

and when I got to the end I started to reread it and I was like....
what. the. fuck.

so I erased it.
and remembered, that the definition of insanity, according to albert einstien, is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
that guy had it right.

time to try something new.

like you've been saying all along.

SCARY!

so, i was about to post this in a bulletin.... but then i reread the last sentence and was like... nope. this is goin in the blog.
there are only 2 people i'd really want to read it.
and posting it here ensures that half of them will.
and the rest of the [myspace] world will not.

not that it's all that important.
but. chu know.
it's just ramblings.

subject: what the no sleep?!

body: i guess there's just so much spinning around in my head.
you shouldn't think... it's a scary thing. hahaha

gee wiz though. thinking about things when you're tired really is the worst thing you can do.
you can't do anything about it, till you get up tomorrow.
your mind isn't working normally, so you come up with the CRAZIEST shit.
and with my terrible memory whatever productive things i come up with, i forget by the morning.
and this bulletin. i'll read it tomorrow and be like... uh wtf nicole... why'd you post that as a bulletin?!1

well if it takes shit to make bliss

then i feel pretty blissfully.




oooooooh what a waste of my TIME
damnit.


not a COMPLETE waste. but REALLY?!

fuckin really?








yup. i guess so.












------------ edited later----------

Welp. after talking to you i feel really good.
like.
REALLY good.
hahahahahha I'm excited.

i always thought those modest mouse lyrics were great because it was an interesting way to say i feel shitty.
but hahaha. now i mean it quite literally.
i feel pretty blissfully.

I always knew this was temporary. But wow.
i'm SO excited.

this is not going to be easy. but GOD it's going to be worth it.
i mean. what's better than a summer in LA?
a summer in NY that's what.
hahahaha

but i've never been so excited to spend time here since i've moved here.
I'm so glad to be here.
and when xtina comes back it'll be even better.
I love it here.
I love where I'm going.

it's well with my soul.
for myself.

hahaha









*side note - through this entire blog i've been thinking about those modest mouse lyrics (cuz it's playing right now {"The View"}) and every time i typed out laughing (hahaha) i hear myself laughing like how the singer laughs in the song "The Devil's Workday" HAHAHA.

what the FUCK

is your problem...

hmmm?
HMMMMM?!
you wanna quit being an asshole
and actually be a friend?!
yeah.
thanks.

oh, it bothers you that i kissed another dude? then fuckin SAY so. and if/when you do, i'll punch you in the fucking FACE cuz you've got NO room. HOW many girls have you been with since we started talking? HMMMM?!
so don't play it off like you don't give a shit. i see right fucking THROUGH you!'

really though. what the fuck do i know. you could honestly not give a shit.
maybe that's why i kissed him. to see how you'd react.
...
maybe you would have reacted the way i wanted if you didn't have your damn friends over.











--------------Edited later------------
soooo, after i wrote this in a fury, i got your message. haha.
who's a jerk?
nicole is.
who's a jerk?
.... I am.

hahahaha.

preperation

is a bitch.

knowing i want to be somewhere and working towards it is not fun.
i'm still in transition mode.
damnit.

but at least i'm working towards something now.
where as before i was just taking up space.

our generation is going to see some hard fuckin times.
and i think that's what scares me most.
but what the fuck ever.

Lets do it to it!

DO. IT.
TO. IT!!!!



thanks for helping me along. really. i couldn't have done it without you.