this economy ...

is fucked.

I never thought I'd have to move back home to help my mother get by.
she doesn't expect me to.
no one does really.
I'm too young, I shouldn't have to do this, it's not MY job to provide for my family.

if I won't help her.... who will?
I'm not about to abandon my mom.
not about to watch her have to struggle through this alone.
I've grown up a lot since i've moved to the city. i have so much unfinished business to do and so much MORE i can learn from this place. but i'll just have to come back later.
now is not the time.

everything happens for a reason.



I'm going to miss it here.
move number 5 in 2008.
move number 6 in entire LIFE. hahahah

stay golden...

to put it bluntly....
i slept with my high school crush.
took his V card.

now that he's gone... i still don't know who was affected by this more.

on the one hand, it seemed meaningless and just something fun that we as friends (who just so happen to be attracted to one another) would do.
but on the other hand, it wasn't meaningless.

you're right, you're not a cheat. not anywhere near it.
we both said it, we don't regret it but we don't want a relationship.
not that I wouldn't enjoy that.
our souls just don't "gravitate" towards each other.
hahaha.
and silly as that sounds it's the best way to describe it.

i meant every word i spoke to you this week. and i know you can't lie.

thank you for the inspiration
thank you for the encouragement.
and thank you for the amazing sex.

I am not

ok.

I love my life.
very much so.
but i'm not happy. and i haven't been in a really long time.
I'm useless and a waste of air.
i would like to insert a bit of positivity here, you know. say something like "i don't really mean that."
but i do.
and no motivational "get off your ass" tough love speech is going to help.
i'll be over this tomorrow morning and be back to my usual positive self.


people who are always negative are annoying.

i wanna go home.

Bringing this one back... to be lame haha

and again.
This should come with a warning. !!! may cause drama !!!


Ten Anonymous Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:

1. Read my blogs, my journals, and my thoughts, you'll still never know how much you hurt me. but i still love you. - all i'm waiting for is for you to apologize
2. I hate you. (hopefully i won't by the time you're old enough to understand what i mean by that.) - it's getting easier, but i'm still not there yet.
3. stop half assing shit and work towards something. you're not going to be passionate about something till you start working towards it. it's not going to show up in your life one day and open your eyes to what you've been looking for. you probably already found it.... dumbass
4. You are amazing. I know you always say so, but you actually are. no need to prove it to any one. we all already know.
5. there's this song... by kelly clarkson... hahaha. (i shouldn't admit to this). but everything in the song is what i want to say to you. (and, no it's not "since you've been gone!") - i feel like i've failed at what i was working so hard on. i put a lot on myself and now i feel like it was pointless.
6. You're such an amazing friend and as little time we spend together, I agree with brie, you'll be in my life forever and i'm happy you will be :)
7. There is so much i want to say to you but i don't think i'd be able to put it all in comprehensive sentences. I've put you through hell. and I'm so sorry. I love you terribly and i just didn't believe you when you said you cared too. i see now how silly it was for me not to believe you. I could blame my lack of trusting people on my family situation, but fucking things up with you is the only thing i can honestly say i regret. I just consider myself lucky to still be friends with you. I still think of you constantly.
8. You've hurt me so bad. I hate the influence you've had on my personality. but i have this handy cap that makes me still care about you. I've already forgiven you, but you're not sorry. and i do honestly still hold you in my heart. no matter what else i say, i care.
9. I still haven't figured you out.
10. there is more to this world than drugs and alcohol. ... and shoes. You have so much passion and so much potential. I can't let you lose that. don't beat yourself up too much anymore. I'm sorry i wasn't there for you in your hardest times. but i'm here now. and there will be harder times to come. I love you!

Nine Things About Yourself:

1. I'm confused
2. i love God
3. i want to be outside more
4. i don't get along with "girly-girls"
5. I love to sew, but don't know what to do with it
6. I'm the happy-go-lucky bitch
7. family comes first.
8. im in the longest transition mode of my life.
9. I'm so ecclectic sometimes i feel hypocritical when it comes to things i like.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:

1. be spontaneous
2. don't give up on me, i'm not gunna trust you right away.
3. be kinda a jerk... but care about things that matter.
4. love God.
5. try new things and get me to try new things too.
6. talk to me about anything and everything (aspecially things you can't talk to other people about)
7. dont smother, aspecially in public.
8. show me what you're proud of (and be proud of yourself), and be proud of what i show you.

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A lot:

1. friends
2. life
3. life
4. family
5. what i'm doing with my life
6. my not smoothness when it comes to the opposite sex. haha
7. specific friends

Six Things You Wish You Never Did:

1. took money out of my savings account. it's back now... but money is the root of all evil
2. waited too long to say things (happens often)
3. didn't try somethings cuz i was too chicken
4. put so much pressure on myself growing up
5. ten min. late
6. like i said earlier. fucked things up with a friendship, and I'm not particularly talking about one moment in time.

Five Turn Offs:

1. arrogance
2. boogers
3. lackluster personality
4. easily offended
5. lazyness

Four Turn Ons:

1. big noses.
2. Good family values
3. Great personality(humor fits in this one i think... and i can't rule that out)
4. punks/rockabilly's/tattoo's/piercings (i don't care if you think that's cheating)

Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:
:X
:D
:S
(i honestly don't even know what any of those mean... i kinda just picked the goofiest one's possible... they def. DON'T describe my life)

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:

1. love w/out holding back
2. tell my grandkids a story about "back in my day"

One Confession:

1. I hit on a married man once. but in my defense, he wasn't wearing a ring.

just wanted to mark this day....

as the day you said "everything comes full circle."

because i have this strange feeling it will.


in which case.... this bad patch of time, will pay off.
and I'll be happy :)

i hope this move

assists in me becoming the person i've always wanted to be.

i still feel irresponsible being here.
that's probably because i haven't started working yet.


i just don't want to hurt people i care about anymore.

i don't want to regret things












i just want to be loved.... and allow myself to love back.

how did i do it?

i tried to be smart.
i tried to make the best decision.

but here i am.
dealing with the worst mistake ever.
reflecting back on a lot of things i've done in my life....
and feeling like it's all been ...
just one bad mistake after another

it's like everything i touch turns to dust....

hahahahaha.

this has ruined me.
I'd like myself back thank you.












I'M the positive one. I'M the happy-go-lucky one.
so why am I finding it so difficult to see the good in all this.





I'm never like this.




this isn't me




can't we just go back to how it used to be?
no.... i don't really want to go back.
i want to go forward.












FUCKING GO!!!!!!