it's kind of funny how I already feel at home in a place i've only actually "lived" in for less than 2 weeks. when for 2 years i lived by myself in the same apartment, and it doesnt feel any different.
I suppose thats because my heart is neither here or there.
i'm lacking heart these days. i'm just going through the motions of day to day life. I want something more, but i'm not actively searching for it.
because i've already checked out of here. In my head, life in nyc is quickly approaching its expiration date. although i have been saying that pretty much since i arrived in this great city...
so now what?
i like where my apartment is.
i (kinda) like my job at the cafe
i like cutting hair... no, i like that i'm GOOD at cutting hair.
i daydream about owning my own business. being a woman that actively contributes to her community.
I want to make art.
I want this scared cynical bitch to burst into a firey fit of passion!
i want to not sleep enough because i'm too excited about what i'm working on.
i want to do so much more than this...
so what's the answer.
whats the solution
i should at least be able to figure out the first step... right??
move back to california.
that's the first step
get the fuck out of here...
and while i'm still here these are the things i must accomplish
1. get cosmotology license
2. finish as many art projects that you've thought up as possible
3. go to Ireland even if its just for a few days.
4. Go to maine.
this is good. i like this. these are all very doable things.
now get off your ass and stay off it until these things are accomplished.
you have stuff to get done. and you're getting too old to be doing this same old run around. dont end up like the rest of your generation.
oh also, you've been talking too much lately... learn how to listen again.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
quotes from patti smith interview
"Well, I can’t say I felt any less eccentric than anybody else. I just think that some people were more attracted to the lifestyle around art. To me, being hungry and messy and being free to live in a mess and not have to worry if I bathed for a week, that was enough. But a lot of these people kept pushing, pushing, pushing—doing drugs, indulging in very intense promiscuity..."
"Did art get us?" "The question for me wasn’t if art got us. The question was, “Do we regret that?” I know art got us, because if art gets you, you never can be normal. You can never enjoy. You can’t go anywhere without trying to transform it, you know? You go into church to pray, and you start writing a story about being in a church praying. You’re always observing what you do. I noticed that when I was young going to parties. I could never lose myself in a party unless I was on the dance floor..."
http://www.interviewmagazine.com/culture/patti-smith-and-robert-mapplethorpe/
"Did art get us?" "The question for me wasn’t if art got us. The question was, “Do we regret that?” I know art got us, because if art gets you, you never can be normal. You can never enjoy. You can’t go anywhere without trying to transform it, you know? You go into church to pray, and you start writing a story about being in a church praying. You’re always observing what you do. I noticed that when I was young going to parties. I could never lose myself in a party unless I was on the dance floor..."
http://www.interviewmagazine.com/culture/patti-smith-and-robert-mapplethorpe/
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Friday, December 11, 2009
it may just be time to grow the fuck up.
http://www.eyeweekly.com/article/55882
i took this from the comment section of my favorite blog. jyllandliz.blogspot.com
i took this from the comment section of my favorite blog. jyllandliz.blogspot.com
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I'm sorry to say, this is a dear diary entry....
nope. you will NOT get my hopes up again.
nope. I will NOT expect anything different from you.
nope. your sugar words will not tempt my sweet tooth.
I will NOT read too much into your kind words and promises....
you might have gotten some of my hopes up though.
I'm pathetic!
I HATE that I'm writing on this subject of YOU!... stupid.
I HATE that I STILL allow you to have any sort of effect on my emotion
I HATE that I am typing this in such a mindset! i hate typing when i'm feeling such strong emotions... that's what journals are for! but I was sitting at my computer when this came over me so why not? It therapeutic to write what sturs your emotions! but that's what a journal is for. this is for diary's.... ones that you hid under your pillow with a secret code so that no one will ever know that it ever had any effect on you. ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou.
i like to write when i am calm and collected.
When I am feeling extream emotions I dont look at every angle of things, I'll write passionately and completely bias. and i dont like that. i like LOOKING for different perspectives, I like being my own devils advocate. I also hate the form I use when i'm "feeling strongly." It's obnoxios how many times I'll repeat a word or statement. I run all overthe place not making good points or using complete thoughts. ramble. stray off topic.
BAH HUMBUG!
nope. I will NOT expect anything different from you.
nope. your sugar words will not tempt my sweet tooth.
I will NOT read too much into your kind words and promises....
you might have gotten some of my hopes up though.
I'm pathetic!
I HATE that I'm writing on this subject of YOU!... stupid.
I HATE that I STILL allow you to have any sort of effect on my emotion
I HATE that I am typing this in such a mindset! i hate typing when i'm feeling such strong emotions... that's what journals are for! but I was sitting at my computer when this came over me so why not? It therapeutic to write what sturs your emotions! but that's what a journal is for. this is for diary's.... ones that you hid under your pillow with a secret code so that no one will ever know that it ever had any effect on you. ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou.
i like to write when i am calm and collected.
When I am feeling extream emotions I dont look at every angle of things, I'll write passionately and completely bias. and i dont like that. i like LOOKING for different perspectives, I like being my own devils advocate. I also hate the form I use when i'm "feeling strongly." It's obnoxios how many times I'll repeat a word or statement. I run all overthe place not making good points or using complete thoughts. ramble. stray off topic.
BAH HUMBUG!
Monday, December 7, 2009
update.
It was very tempting to go back and delete some of those older posts....
very embarrassed, but I supposed I am what I am today, because of the choices I made yesterday...
and why hide that...
right... moving forward.
and I suppose upon moving forward, you should always glance back, so as not to repeat the same mistakes.
A year ago this time, I was not in a good place. I had decided to stay in NYC after my first plan of being here for "just a summer" expanded into, "making it work" a bit longer. Well, making it work turned into a bad situation and I was convinced I was moving back home... but again, somehow, this city called me back... and here I am, in Brooklyn, Working at a cafe in the lower lower east side of Manhattan.
Maybe I should go about this a different way, maybe instead of trying to look at how far i've come in the past year (i've come a very long way, you see, it'll take forever.)
maybe instead I'll just go over topics of interest.
alright, the ever-so-popular subject of love:
I don't know what love is, if it is what everyone describes it as, I give it away so freely to as many people as I can.... but it seems lately that I'm either becoming more particular of who I give it to, or I'm running out of it.
a subtopic: infatuations/chrushes/lusts/boys in general :
my most exciting subject lives on the other side of this country and 1) is just a friend and 2) if he were to turn to me and confess his undying love I would tell him I'm just not ready for a relationship right now. (at least I would hope I'd be strong enough to say so)
Work :
like I said earlier, I work in a Cafe in the lower east side. 2 cafe's technically, they're called Flowers Cafe, they have a kind-of hippy theme to them. My job is so many different things to me all the time that it would be hard to explain it from my point of view in a nutshell... everyday there is an adventure. Many of my stories will come from interactions with customers I have there, and even more stories will come from interactions with my boss Bill.
Bill :
yes, my boss gets his own subject line. He is part of my daily life, he is my boss, he is taking care of my cats until after christmas (he has been for quite some time now), and anytime I have any sort of question about anything in NYC - I ask him (seeing as he was born and raised in brooklyn). Bill is much older than me but somehow we have been able to relate to one another and I am so thankful that we have this friendship.
Friends :
making friends in NYC is not an easy task. I suppose it didn't help that the majority of my life here has been spent with my BFFZ Brie. and when brie and I are together, we are a clique. an amazing, funny, sparkely, bitchy, sexy, lush-ful clique. nevertheless i was able to make a few connections here and there that have eventually been built into friendships that I hope will last for a very long time.
Liz :
among these friendships, Liz is one of the few that I know for CERTAIN will last a very long time. Liz is amazing. She is funny (every range of funny too... the perfect mix from sarcastic whit to just plain silly.), She is intellegent (college certified ;), she is intuitive (MAN is she! she can read people like BOOKS and yet, she'll accept your facades so as not to push uncomfortable buttons), and she is ABSOLUTELY gorgeous (She is the kind of beautiful that can only be described as gorgeous, beautiful would be much too plain of a word. from her long fire hair, to her huge intelecuale yet loving eyes, to her ever-improving woman body that is complemented even more so by her style that can only be described as her own... not so different that it's unrelatable, yet original enough not to be steriotypical) anyway, there is much more to be said about Liz so I shall leave it at that and move on to the next topic of interest...
or better yet, we'll call it a current topic
because my topics will change on a daily basis and that is why I am hoping I'll update this more often, so that I can look back on it and see where i've been. not just who I was crushin on at that time or how many drinks I had or.... shit I've begun to stray off topic... uhhh where were we...uooooo right, current topic
Future :
what does the future hold?
very embarrassed, but I supposed I am what I am today, because of the choices I made yesterday...
and why hide that...
right... moving forward.
and I suppose upon moving forward, you should always glance back, so as not to repeat the same mistakes.
A year ago this time, I was not in a good place. I had decided to stay in NYC after my first plan of being here for "just a summer" expanded into, "making it work" a bit longer. Well, making it work turned into a bad situation and I was convinced I was moving back home... but again, somehow, this city called me back... and here I am, in Brooklyn, Working at a cafe in the lower lower east side of Manhattan.
Maybe I should go about this a different way, maybe instead of trying to look at how far i've come in the past year (i've come a very long way, you see, it'll take forever.)
maybe instead I'll just go over topics of interest.
alright, the ever-so-popular subject of love:
I don't know what love is, if it is what everyone describes it as, I give it away so freely to as many people as I can.... but it seems lately that I'm either becoming more particular of who I give it to, or I'm running out of it.
a subtopic: infatuations/chrushes/lusts/boys in general :
my most exciting subject lives on the other side of this country and 1) is just a friend and 2) if he were to turn to me and confess his undying love I would tell him I'm just not ready for a relationship right now. (at least I would hope I'd be strong enough to say so)
Work :
like I said earlier, I work in a Cafe in the lower east side. 2 cafe's technically, they're called Flowers Cafe, they have a kind-of hippy theme to them. My job is so many different things to me all the time that it would be hard to explain it from my point of view in a nutshell... everyday there is an adventure. Many of my stories will come from interactions with customers I have there, and even more stories will come from interactions with my boss Bill.
Bill :
yes, my boss gets his own subject line. He is part of my daily life, he is my boss, he is taking care of my cats until after christmas (he has been for quite some time now), and anytime I have any sort of question about anything in NYC - I ask him (seeing as he was born and raised in brooklyn). Bill is much older than me but somehow we have been able to relate to one another and I am so thankful that we have this friendship.
Friends :
making friends in NYC is not an easy task. I suppose it didn't help that the majority of my life here has been spent with my BFFZ Brie. and when brie and I are together, we are a clique. an amazing, funny, sparkely, bitchy, sexy, lush-ful clique. nevertheless i was able to make a few connections here and there that have eventually been built into friendships that I hope will last for a very long time.
Liz :
among these friendships, Liz is one of the few that I know for CERTAIN will last a very long time. Liz is amazing. She is funny (every range of funny too... the perfect mix from sarcastic whit to just plain silly.), She is intellegent (college certified ;), she is intuitive (MAN is she! she can read people like BOOKS and yet, she'll accept your facades so as not to push uncomfortable buttons), and she is ABSOLUTELY gorgeous (She is the kind of beautiful that can only be described as gorgeous, beautiful would be much too plain of a word. from her long fire hair, to her huge intelecuale yet loving eyes, to her ever-improving woman body that is complemented even more so by her style that can only be described as her own... not so different that it's unrelatable, yet original enough not to be steriotypical) anyway, there is much more to be said about Liz so I shall leave it at that and move on to the next topic of interest...
or better yet, we'll call it a current topic
because my topics will change on a daily basis and that is why I am hoping I'll update this more often, so that I can look back on it and see where i've been. not just who I was crushin on at that time or how many drinks I had or.... shit I've begun to stray off topic... uhhh where were we...uooooo right, current topic
Future :
what does the future hold?
Sunday, March 15, 2009
reading back on some old blogs
it's funny to see how sure i was about somethings... and i was just so wrong.
so very wrong.
...the accidents have not willed.
so very wrong.
...the accidents have not willed.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
pictures say a thousand words.
assume what you think about each picture... but i was pretty subtle with everything so you're probably wrong... just sayin. haha
1. a picture of you in your room
2. a picture with someone you don't actually like.
3. a picture of you very drunk.
4. a picture of you on your birthday, or your favorite holiday.
5. the youngest picture you can find of yourself in digital form.
6. a picture of you in one of your favorite outfits.
7. a picture of you making a goofy face at the camera.
8. a picture you miiiiiight have edited to make yourself more attractive.
9. a picture of a night you regret...
10. a picture of you truly being yourself.
11. the most recent picture of you.
12. a picture of you being absolutely ridiculous.
13. a picture of you showing off a new haircut/color.
14. a picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't.
15. a picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is...
16. a picture of you when you were anything but happy....
17. a picture of you when you were nothing but happy.....
18. a picture of you when you were a different person than you are now....
19. a picture of you with someone you love....
20. a picture of how you'd like the world to see you....
21. a picture that describes how you'd like to spend everyday...
(this one calls for a lot of explination haha)
22. a picture of a time when everything was changing...
(it's not only political change... but that's funny)
23. a picture that makes your heart hurt....
24. a picture that makes your heart smile...
25. a picture on one of the best days/nights of your life....
26. a picture from your past....
27. a picture of your present....
28. a picture of your future....
29. a picture you couldnt leave out....
30. a picture of just you...
1. a picture of you in your room
2. a picture with someone you don't actually like.
3. a picture of you very drunk.
4. a picture of you on your birthday, or your favorite holiday.
5. the youngest picture you can find of yourself in digital form.
6. a picture of you in one of your favorite outfits.
7. a picture of you making a goofy face at the camera.
8. a picture you miiiiiight have edited to make yourself more attractive.
9. a picture of a night you regret...
10. a picture of you truly being yourself.
11. the most recent picture of you.
12. a picture of you being absolutely ridiculous.
13. a picture of you showing off a new haircut/color.
14. a picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't.
15. a picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is...
16. a picture of you when you were anything but happy....
17. a picture of you when you were nothing but happy.....
18. a picture of you when you were a different person than you are now....
19. a picture of you with someone you love....
20. a picture of how you'd like the world to see you....
21. a picture that describes how you'd like to spend everyday...
(this one calls for a lot of explination haha)
22. a picture of a time when everything was changing...
(it's not only political change... but that's funny)
23. a picture that makes your heart hurt....
24. a picture that makes your heart smile...
25. a picture on one of the best days/nights of your life....
26. a picture from your past....
27. a picture of your present....
28. a picture of your future....
29. a picture you couldnt leave out....
30. a picture of just you...
Monday, February 2, 2009
dear diary.
his name is brandon.
i think he's interested too.
but every other brandon i've ever known is nuts hahaha.
i think he's interested too.
but every other brandon i've ever known is nuts hahaha.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
and there's nothing you can do about it
life is treating me strangely. i keep wanting to work harder, do more, and pretty much work myself to the bone. i demand too much out of myself and therefore am disappointed when life doesn't hand me the opportunity to do so.
but i love it all. life has been a crazy experience and i'm excited to see where i go this next year.
I've been learning a lot living in NY and i'm becoming more and more independent i love it.
i've also recently rediscovered that i enjoy being myself.
:)
but i love it all. life has been a crazy experience and i'm excited to see where i go this next year.
I've been learning a lot living in NY and i'm becoming more and more independent i love it.
i've also recently rediscovered that i enjoy being myself.
:)
Monday, January 19, 2009
I'm feeling sick to my stomache
people never stop shocking me with how egotistical they can be.
you're giving bad advice right now.
all you're doing is being a jerk.
and because you're talking to someone easily intimidated by your degrading talk... they're stupid enough to listen.
I'm offended at your lies and your all-knowing/intellectual facade.
open your eyes. you're at the bottom of the ladder.
learn some humility, that might help your life turn around a bit.
you learn more from listening then you do from talking.
on the verge of puking here.
that's how you make me feel.
yuck. you are awful.
you're giving bad advice right now.
all you're doing is being a jerk.
and because you're talking to someone easily intimidated by your degrading talk... they're stupid enough to listen.
I'm offended at your lies and your all-knowing/intellectual facade.
open your eyes. you're at the bottom of the ladder.
learn some humility, that might help your life turn around a bit.
you learn more from listening then you do from talking.
on the verge of puking here.
that's how you make me feel.
yuck. you are awful.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
and the hypocracy continues.
ok... so there are many other things that have been on my mind that i wanted to blog about...
but in this moment there is one thing i want to get off my chest...
i don't care about expensive toys, i don't care about fame, i don't care about excessive amounts of money!
lets talk about life.
lets talk about aspirations... REAL aspirations...
unless if superficial things is all you people care about.
does everyone on this planet just want fame and fortune?
(... and does everyone think that that's all i care about?
it seems like that's the only thing i hear about these days...
i must be talking about it too much.
i must seem like i care about that shit a lot.)
yeah, you got wasted, yeah, you had sex, yeah you're a crazy partier.
now what else is going on in your life?
what do you believe in?
what do you fear?
what do you love?
what inspires you to wake up in the morning?
what art do you do?
i know i was only in town for a month, and didn't get to see a lot of you for very long...
but i feel like the only things i learned about each and every one of you is that you all still hate the 916
and you're all still there...
but you never told me WHY you hated it
or what you were doing to get OUT of there
all you told me is what you do in the meantime to deal with it... until your "big break" comes along.
i've got news... life is what you make it.
you don't like it get the fuck out.
you don't REALLY want to leave... CHANGE it.
damn.
ps... there were a few exceptions to this rant... and you know who you are. thanks for the good times. :)
but in this moment there is one thing i want to get off my chest...
i don't care about expensive toys, i don't care about fame, i don't care about excessive amounts of money!
lets talk about life.
lets talk about aspirations... REAL aspirations...
unless if superficial things is all you people care about.
does everyone on this planet just want fame and fortune?
(... and does everyone think that that's all i care about?
it seems like that's the only thing i hear about these days...
i must be talking about it too much.
i must seem like i care about that shit a lot.)
yeah, you got wasted, yeah, you had sex, yeah you're a crazy partier.
now what else is going on in your life?
what do you believe in?
what do you fear?
what do you love?
what inspires you to wake up in the morning?
what art do you do?
i know i was only in town for a month, and didn't get to see a lot of you for very long...
but i feel like the only things i learned about each and every one of you is that you all still hate the 916
and you're all still there...
but you never told me WHY you hated it
or what you were doing to get OUT of there
all you told me is what you do in the meantime to deal with it... until your "big break" comes along.
i've got news... life is what you make it.
you don't like it get the fuck out.
you don't REALLY want to leave... CHANGE it.
damn.
ps... there were a few exceptions to this rant... and you know who you are. thanks for the good times. :)
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
this economy ...
is fucked.
I never thought I'd have to move back home to help my mother get by.
she doesn't expect me to.
no one does really.
I'm too young, I shouldn't have to do this, it's not MY job to provide for my family.
if I won't help her.... who will?
I'm not about to abandon my mom.
not about to watch her have to struggle through this alone.
I've grown up a lot since i've moved to the city. i have so much unfinished business to do and so much MORE i can learn from this place. but i'll just have to come back later.
now is not the time.
everything happens for a reason.
I'm going to miss it here.
move number 5 in 2008.
move number 6 in entire LIFE. hahahah
I never thought I'd have to move back home to help my mother get by.
she doesn't expect me to.
no one does really.
I'm too young, I shouldn't have to do this, it's not MY job to provide for my family.
if I won't help her.... who will?
I'm not about to abandon my mom.
not about to watch her have to struggle through this alone.
I've grown up a lot since i've moved to the city. i have so much unfinished business to do and so much MORE i can learn from this place. but i'll just have to come back later.
now is not the time.
everything happens for a reason.
I'm going to miss it here.
move number 5 in 2008.
move number 6 in entire LIFE. hahahah
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
stay golden...
to put it bluntly....
i slept with my high school crush.
took his V card.
now that he's gone... i still don't know who was affected by this more.
on the one hand, it seemed meaningless and just something fun that we as friends (who just so happen to be attracted to one another) would do.
but on the other hand, it wasn't meaningless.
you're right, you're not a cheat. not anywhere near it.
we both said it, we don't regret it but we don't want a relationship.
not that I wouldn't enjoy that.
our souls just don't "gravitate" towards each other.
hahaha.
and silly as that sounds it's the best way to describe it.
i meant every word i spoke to you this week. and i know you can't lie.
thank you for the inspiration
thank you for the encouragement.
and thank you for the amazing sex.
i slept with my high school crush.
took his V card.
now that he's gone... i still don't know who was affected by this more.
on the one hand, it seemed meaningless and just something fun that we as friends (who just so happen to be attracted to one another) would do.
but on the other hand, it wasn't meaningless.
you're right, you're not a cheat. not anywhere near it.
we both said it, we don't regret it but we don't want a relationship.
not that I wouldn't enjoy that.
our souls just don't "gravitate" towards each other.
hahaha.
and silly as that sounds it's the best way to describe it.
i meant every word i spoke to you this week. and i know you can't lie.
thank you for the inspiration
thank you for the encouragement.
and thank you for the amazing sex.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I am not
ok.
I love my life.
very much so.
but i'm not happy. and i haven't been in a really long time.
I'm useless and a waste of air.
i would like to insert a bit of positivity here, you know. say something like "i don't really mean that."
but i do.
and no motivational "get off your ass" tough love speech is going to help.
i'll be over this tomorrow morning and be back to my usual positive self.
people who are always negative are annoying.
i wanna go home.
I love my life.
very much so.
but i'm not happy. and i haven't been in a really long time.
I'm useless and a waste of air.
i would like to insert a bit of positivity here, you know. say something like "i don't really mean that."
but i do.
and no motivational "get off your ass" tough love speech is going to help.
i'll be over this tomorrow morning and be back to my usual positive self.
people who are always negative are annoying.
i wanna go home.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Bringing this one back... to be lame haha
and again.
This should come with a warning. !!! may cause drama !!!
Ten Anonymous Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:
1. Read my blogs, my journals, and my thoughts, you'll still never know how much you hurt me. but i still love you. - all i'm waiting for is for you to apologize
2. I hate you. (hopefully i won't by the time you're old enough to understand what i mean by that.) - it's getting easier, but i'm still not there yet.
3. stop half assing shit and work towards something. you're not going to be passionate about something till you start working towards it. it's not going to show up in your life one day and open your eyes to what you've been looking for. you probably already found it.... dumbass
4. You are amazing. I know you always say so, but you actually are. no need to prove it to any one. we all already know.
5. there's this song... by kelly clarkson... hahaha. (i shouldn't admit to this). but everything in the song is what i want to say to you. (and, no it's not "since you've been gone!") - i feel like i've failed at what i was working so hard on. i put a lot on myself and now i feel like it was pointless.
6. You're such an amazing friend and as little time we spend together, I agree with brie, you'll be in my life forever and i'm happy you will be :)
7. There is so much i want to say to you but i don't think i'd be able to put it all in comprehensive sentences. I've put you through hell. and I'm so sorry. I love you terribly and i just didn't believe you when you said you cared too. i see now how silly it was for me not to believe you. I could blame my lack of trusting people on my family situation, but fucking things up with you is the only thing i can honestly say i regret. I just consider myself lucky to still be friends with you. I still think of you constantly.
8. You've hurt me so bad. I hate the influence you've had on my personality. but i have this handy cap that makes me still care about you. I've already forgiven you, but you're not sorry. and i do honestly still hold you in my heart. no matter what else i say, i care.
9. I still haven't figured you out.
10. there is more to this world than drugs and alcohol. ... and shoes. You have so much passion and so much potential. I can't let you lose that. don't beat yourself up too much anymore. I'm sorry i wasn't there for you in your hardest times. but i'm here now. and there will be harder times to come. I love you!
Nine Things About Yourself:
1. I'm confused
2. i love God
3. i want to be outside more
4. i don't get along with "girly-girls"
5. I love to sew, but don't know what to do with it
6. I'm the happy-go-lucky bitch
7. family comes first.
8. im in the longest transition mode of my life.
9. I'm so ecclectic sometimes i feel hypocritical when it comes to things i like.
Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. be spontaneous
2. don't give up on me, i'm not gunna trust you right away.
3. be kinda a jerk... but care about things that matter.
4. love God.
5. try new things and get me to try new things too.
6. talk to me about anything and everything (aspecially things you can't talk to other people about)
7. dont smother, aspecially in public.
8. show me what you're proud of (and be proud of yourself), and be proud of what i show you.
Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A lot:
1. friends
2. life
3. life
4. family
5. what i'm doing with my life
6. my not smoothness when it comes to the opposite sex. haha
7. specific friends
Six Things You Wish You Never Did:
1. took money out of my savings account. it's back now... but money is the root of all evil
2. waited too long to say things (happens often)
3. didn't try somethings cuz i was too chicken
4. put so much pressure on myself growing up
5. ten min. late
6. like i said earlier. fucked things up with a friendship, and I'm not particularly talking about one moment in time.
Five Turn Offs:
1. arrogance
2. boogers
3. lackluster personality
4. easily offended
5. lazyness
Four Turn Ons:
1. big noses.
2. Good family values
3. Great personality(humor fits in this one i think... and i can't rule that out)
4. punks/rockabilly's/tattoo's/piercings (i don't care if you think that's cheating)
Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:
:X
:D
:S
(i honestly don't even know what any of those mean... i kinda just picked the goofiest one's possible... they def. DON'T describe my life)
Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. love w/out holding back
2. tell my grandkids a story about "back in my day"
One Confession:
1. I hit on a married man once. but in my defense, he wasn't wearing a ring.
This should come with a warning. !!! may cause drama !!!
Ten Anonymous Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:
1. Read my blogs, my journals, and my thoughts, you'll still never know how much you hurt me. but i still love you. - all i'm waiting for is for you to apologize
2. I hate you. (hopefully i won't by the time you're old enough to understand what i mean by that.) - it's getting easier, but i'm still not there yet.
3. stop half assing shit and work towards something. you're not going to be passionate about something till you start working towards it. it's not going to show up in your life one day and open your eyes to what you've been looking for. you probably already found it.... dumbass
4. You are amazing. I know you always say so, but you actually are. no need to prove it to any one. we all already know.
5. there's this song... by kelly clarkson... hahaha. (i shouldn't admit to this). but everything in the song is what i want to say to you. (and, no it's not "since you've been gone!") - i feel like i've failed at what i was working so hard on. i put a lot on myself and now i feel like it was pointless.
6. You're such an amazing friend and as little time we spend together, I agree with brie, you'll be in my life forever and i'm happy you will be :)
7. There is so much i want to say to you but i don't think i'd be able to put it all in comprehensive sentences. I've put you through hell. and I'm so sorry. I love you terribly and i just didn't believe you when you said you cared too. i see now how silly it was for me not to believe you. I could blame my lack of trusting people on my family situation, but fucking things up with you is the only thing i can honestly say i regret. I just consider myself lucky to still be friends with you. I still think of you constantly.
8. You've hurt me so bad. I hate the influence you've had on my personality. but i have this handy cap that makes me still care about you. I've already forgiven you, but you're not sorry. and i do honestly still hold you in my heart. no matter what else i say, i care.
9. I still haven't figured you out.
10. there is more to this world than drugs and alcohol. ... and shoes. You have so much passion and so much potential. I can't let you lose that. don't beat yourself up too much anymore. I'm sorry i wasn't there for you in your hardest times. but i'm here now. and there will be harder times to come. I love you!
Nine Things About Yourself:
1. I'm confused
2. i love God
3. i want to be outside more
4. i don't get along with "girly-girls"
5. I love to sew, but don't know what to do with it
6. I'm the happy-go-lucky bitch
7. family comes first.
8. im in the longest transition mode of my life.
9. I'm so ecclectic sometimes i feel hypocritical when it comes to things i like.
Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. be spontaneous
2. don't give up on me, i'm not gunna trust you right away.
3. be kinda a jerk... but care about things that matter.
4. love God.
5. try new things and get me to try new things too.
6. talk to me about anything and everything (aspecially things you can't talk to other people about)
7. dont smother, aspecially in public.
8. show me what you're proud of (and be proud of yourself), and be proud of what i show you.
Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A lot:
1. friends
2. life
3. life
4. family
5. what i'm doing with my life
6. my not smoothness when it comes to the opposite sex. haha
7. specific friends
Six Things You Wish You Never Did:
1. took money out of my savings account. it's back now... but money is the root of all evil
2. waited too long to say things (happens often)
3. didn't try somethings cuz i was too chicken
4. put so much pressure on myself growing up
5. ten min. late
6. like i said earlier. fucked things up with a friendship, and I'm not particularly talking about one moment in time.
Five Turn Offs:
1. arrogance
2. boogers
3. lackluster personality
4. easily offended
5. lazyness
Four Turn Ons:
1. big noses.
2. Good family values
3. Great personality(humor fits in this one i think... and i can't rule that out)
4. punks/rockabilly's/tattoo's/piercings (i don't care if you think that's cheating)
Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:
:X
:D
:S
(i honestly don't even know what any of those mean... i kinda just picked the goofiest one's possible... they def. DON'T describe my life)
Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. love w/out holding back
2. tell my grandkids a story about "back in my day"
One Confession:
1. I hit on a married man once. but in my defense, he wasn't wearing a ring.
just wanted to mark this day....
as the day you said "everything comes full circle."
because i have this strange feeling it will.
in which case.... this bad patch of time, will pay off.
and I'll be happy :)
because i have this strange feeling it will.
in which case.... this bad patch of time, will pay off.
and I'll be happy :)
Monday, June 23, 2008
i hope this move
assists in me becoming the person i've always wanted to be.
i still feel irresponsible being here.
that's probably because i haven't started working yet.
i just don't want to hurt people i care about anymore.
i don't want to regret things
i just want to be loved.... and allow myself to love back.
i still feel irresponsible being here.
that's probably because i haven't started working yet.
i just don't want to hurt people i care about anymore.
i don't want to regret things
i just want to be loved.... and allow myself to love back.
Monday, May 19, 2008
how did i do it?
i tried to be smart.
i tried to make the best decision.
but here i am.
dealing with the worst mistake ever.
reflecting back on a lot of things i've done in my life....
and feeling like it's all been ...
just one bad mistake after another
it's like everything i touch turns to dust....
hahahahaha.
this has ruined me.
I'd like myself back thank you.
I'M the positive one. I'M the happy-go-lucky one.
so why am I finding it so difficult to see the good in all this.
I'm never like this.
this isn't me
can't we just go back to how it used to be?
no.... i don't really want to go back.
i want to go forward.
FUCKING GO!!!!!!
i tried to make the best decision.
but here i am.
dealing with the worst mistake ever.
reflecting back on a lot of things i've done in my life....
and feeling like it's all been ...
just one bad mistake after another
it's like everything i touch turns to dust....
hahahahaha.
this has ruined me.
I'd like myself back thank you.
I'M the positive one. I'M the happy-go-lucky one.
so why am I finding it so difficult to see the good in all this.
I'm never like this.
this isn't me
can't we just go back to how it used to be?
no.... i don't really want to go back.
i want to go forward.
FUCKING GO!!!!!!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
I hate myself sometimes
I just had a huge fucking blog written out.
and when I got to the end I started to reread it and I was like....
what. the. fuck.
so I erased it.
and remembered, that the definition of insanity, according to albert einstien, is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
that guy had it right.
time to try something new.
like you've been saying all along.
and when I got to the end I started to reread it and I was like....
what. the. fuck.
so I erased it.
and remembered, that the definition of insanity, according to albert einstien, is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
that guy had it right.
time to try something new.
like you've been saying all along.
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